You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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