God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
