woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my being single is dangerous.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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