The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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