Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
