Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize