So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
