my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
