End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
