At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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