Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
