My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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