My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
smell my finger.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
