apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
