I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
