why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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