Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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