I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
