Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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