hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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