Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Also, beer. Big fan.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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