Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
