I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
"it" just moved
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
