i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
