I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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