did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
