I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
