New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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