just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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