I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
