I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
