we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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