today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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