if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
