Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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