awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
