Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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