im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
