i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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