he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
