Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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