I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
