Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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