I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
