I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
