I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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