Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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