this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
