Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
