I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
