someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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